May 1, 2025
How I’m Using the Let Them Theory to Save Myself
Posted in: Lifestyle, Personal Development
A couple of months ago, after working my way through multiple self help books, I stumbled upon a simple concept that has quickly become a lifesaver: The Let Them Theory. The theory by Mel Robbins goes something like this:
If people want to go, let them.
If they want to believe something about you that isn’t true, let them.
If they treat you a certain way and show you who they are, let them.
It’s not about giving up. It’s about giving up control – the illusion that we can (or should) fix everything, explain ourselves constantly, or keep people from walking away. This illusion of control was exhausting me and breaking my heart around every corner. As an empath and over-thinker, I constantly question every single thought, feeling, and action – my own and others’. I explained this to someone not long ago; I told them how my mind is constantly running, replaying every conversation and interaction with others. Did they take that the wrong way? Are they mad at me? Maybe they don’t like me or love me anymore. Maybe I’ve screwed up too much this time. Maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m not worth it. Maybe they’ll be better off without me here. You can see how this train of thought can derail rather quickly. My friend told me that sounded exhausting and, it is. Multiple times, I have convinced myself that my friends, family, and the world in general, would be better off without me in it.
Yes, friends – I have experienced suicidal ideation.
It was a terribly dark and lonely place to be – to feel like I shouldn’t live because of things that I had absolutely no control over. Most recently, it took me lying on the shower floor, crying, wishing I could drown, and then thinking about the gun in my closet, to realize that something was terribly wrong. I immediately reached out for help from a therapist who I now see every other week for routine self care. Through weekly therapy, she helped me realize that I knew myself better than anyone. That I was giving other people too much control over me, that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, that I was a much nicer person to others than my brain was to itself, and most importantly, that I had the power to change my situation. It was probably around week two of therapy that I started journaling and downloading a slew of self-help books: The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, Mother Hunger, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, This is Me Letting You Go, and of course, The Let Them Theory. I wasn’t far into The Let Them Theory before I felt that the concept could change my life but, I didn’t yet know when or how it would do so.
I was probably in therapy for around one month when I discovered that someone I had trusted for the better part of four years had betrayed me in one of the worst ways possible. That I had given someone a second chance for them to turn around and break my heart all over again. It was then that I had to implement the second part of the Let Them Theory: Let Me. I realized that I couldn’t control the actions of anyone else. I couldn’t stop someone from betraying me. I couldn’t force someone to change. I couldn’t make someone love me enough to be a better person. However, I could control what I did next. I could decide to walk away. I could drown out the voices that told me I wasn’t good enough, the voices that said I wouldn’t find someone else. I could focus on what makes me happy and what I need to do in order to grow into the person I truly want to be. So I began focusing on my health, my hobbies, and my business. I began eating better, dancing, lifting free weights, playing piano, making new friends, writing, designing…anything that I had put aside for fear of what others might think or for fear of failure. Fear is often the thing that controls us but, I’m done giving anyone or anything that control and power over me.
Fast forward to three weeks ago…I was writing in a little local bar when I serendipitously met the CEO of a major collectible company. She shared with me that she had started out from very humble beginnings – similar to my own in our shared hometown. She shared with me that she too had to overcome self doubt in order to succeed in her industry and that she did so with a certain power stance and a special song, which she proceeded to demonstrate for me. She shared with me that she had received her MBA from Wake Forest University – a degree I had already considered from a school I once dreamed of attending. The gears in my mind immediately went to work, debating whether I was good enough to do the same, whether I could afford it, and whether it would be worth it to even try. The fear started to overwhelm me and I was ready to back down. But, I didn’t.
The Let Them Theory echoed inside of me and told me that the fear no longer controlled me. That I couldn’t control the outcome but, I could control what I did and that I should try anyway. So, I did. I took the GMAT the very same week without studying and…bombed it. Well, I told myself, I tried and failed so, I guess that’s the end of that. But it wasn’t; there was still a chance to obtain a test waiver, the little voice in my head said. So, I applied anyway. I applied on a Monday, received an interview request Tuesday, interviewed Thursday at noon and, by 4:00 pm the very same day, I received the call that I was admitted with a $15,000 scholarship. I cried, let the news sink in for a couple of hours, and then I began to reach out to loved ones so that they could share in my joy with me. After all, most of my friends and family didn’t even know I was considering an MBA, let alone that I had applied to any programs.
How do you think those loved ones responded? My guess is that, like me, you probably expected that my family and friends would all congratulate me and wish me well on this new journey I’ll soon be embarking on. While I certainly had many do so – some even going so far as to call me a badass (the farthest from what I consider myself)- that wasn’t the case for all. One of the people I was most excited to tell, one that I wanted so badly to be proud of me, gave a response I’ll never forget:
“Good, you can be my secretary.”
I simply looked down at the new little tattoo on my wrist and took a deep breath.
Let them.
“You don’t need that degree. Look at me – I wrote off x amount of money last year without a degree”
Breathe. Let them.
“You’ll just be wasting your life away paying for another degree while I’ll be living it up.”
Breathe. LET THEM.
Thanks to The Let Them Theory, I realized then that the love and affection and praise that I have sought and chased after from so many people over the years is unnecessary. There are some people who are incapable of true empathy and understanding so, it’s up to me to love and admire and save myself when I feel like I will drown under the negativity.
I’ll never forget the above comments but I’ll also never forget my words in response:
“I’m not going to be your secretary. I’m going to get this degree and use it to build my own business. I’m going to be a goddamn CEO.”
Take heart my friends – if you want nothing more than to have someone be proud of you, become that someone. Be proud of yourself and all that you have accomplished.
Until next time…much love & light, -C
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